Wednesday, January 26, 2011

grateful...or not.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush, 
I am the soft uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.


I love this poem.  For the most part I don't stand at his grave and cry. I stand there and think about all the good memories we had. I talk to him like hes listening. He's still one of my best friends.

Sometimes when I look at people's facebook statuses it disgusts me.  People complain about the smallest things.  Oh your husband is away for a day...OH NO!  Should the world come to an end for you.  The way they WHINE about it sure seems like it.   MY HUSBAND IS NEVER COMING BACK PEOPLE. You don't see me posting that as my status every other day.  
I think people forget to be grateful about what they do have rather than what they don't have for that particular moment in time.

My rant is over.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Tis the season..bah humbug.

So I'm completely settled in my new place. Just some minor things left.  It still feels empty.  Melodie and I are still missing that one piece to our family.  I have my good days and I have my bad.

When I stop and stare at his wonderful face in any picture I have, I cant help but to cry.  Right away a million and one thoughts run through my head..."He's really not coming back", "did he really endure that kind of pain", "did he really have to experience the one thing he was terrified of the most, death." , "did i really just turn into a single mother in the blink of an eye", "why did god chose this path for him"...and the thoughts are continuous.  I wish there was someone out there who could answer all my questions.

Christmas came and went.  Half the time I thought my husband was supposed to be home on leave at this time but instead I was visiting him at the cemetery.   The one thing you love and care about the most can be taken from you in the blink of an eye and your whole world changes.

I'm glad Melodie had a good Christmas.  She has a TON of toys now.  My goodness that little girl is spoiled but she deserves everything in the world.  Melodie is also learning to say new words and repeating a lot.  Lately she's been saying waffle..but it comes out more like "wawa" haha.  Its funny.

This weekend Melodie and I are making our weekly trip to the cemetery.  I cant wait. I have a lot of new things to tell Scott.  For some reason thats the only place I feel like I can talk to him.  Just because I know hes physically there in that spot.  

Next week Melodie and I are driving down to TN again to go to the ceremony provided on base.  Im both happy and sad about it.  I'm happy to see my amazing friends again, but sad at the circumstances just like everything else.  But thats why I have those amazing friends, to lift me up during the rough times.

I sure did marry one AMAZINGG man inside and out.  I just wish he didn't have to leave me so soon.

until next time,