Thursday, February 24, 2011

me, myself and......the two men upstairs.

 Today I was thinking about how Scott really truly made me into the person I am today.  After almost 8 years together and half of it during his army career made me realize this.  He made me stronger, more independent and more resourceful.    Yes I already had those things in me, but dealing with deployments, late nights out in the field, and extra long work days that's who I HAD to become.  He truly taught me what it meant to "DO WORK".

With no family around the area those 4 years, I had no choice but to be that person.  That makes me thankful today because with out all that experience of being independent and taking care of my child on my own, then i don't know how I would do it today.  It all can still be very overwhelming at times.  Sometimes at night I just cry from being stressed out and ask all of the questions like WHY do I have to be the one to sit here and clean up dinner and dishes, clean up after my messy child, give my child a bath, get her ready for bed..ALL BY MYSELF.  WHY ME GOD. Haven't I gone through enough in my lifetime?  
Before Scott left for Afghanistan we have discussed the 'WHAT IFs'.  We were sitting down at steak and shake eating.  After discussing which one of us was going to steal the shake glass or the hot sauce, he wanted to have a serious conversation.  I kept saying why do we have to talk about this, I don't want to think about that situation.  Now I'm glad we did.  I just need to continue to remind myself of this conversation and know the marriage was about him and I.  I shouldn't care what people think about what I do with my life now. It's my LIFE. I'm the one LIVING it.  I have Scott's voice in the back of my head reassuring me and the things I'm doing with MY life.  For Scott mostly being a not so serious guy all the time, I'm sure glad he wanted to be serious at that one moment in time.  Sure makes life a lot easier for me right now...
"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping"


Thursday, February 10, 2011

one fish, two fish.

There were two big things Scott wanted for Melodie when he came home... a fish tank and her first experience at fourth fest / the 4th of july parade..

Now that Scott is gone, I feel like these two things need to be done.  Its things like this that help me grieve.  I feel like I'm doing something for HIM.

Today I accomplished the fish tank.  I got rid of the 30 gallon fish tank that did nothing except collect junk from everything from coats, shoes, and random receipts.  I ended up getting a 10 gallon fish tank with a nice stand and set it up in Scott's honor.  A ten gallon tank is easier to maintain.  I needed that considering I have to do everything else by myself, need to make the maintenance easy on myself.  Now in a few days Melodie and I will go and pick out some fish.

When July 4th comes closer I will be getting with my cousin to have a 4th Fest in Scotts honor so Melodie has a chance to enjoy 4th fest like Scott would have wanted.

I've been going to the cemetery more than usual.  Sometimes I go just to play him a song.  I cant believe its almost been 3 months since the day that changed my life forever.  I haven't been face to face with him in almost 9 months.  Unfortunately that's what makes grieving easier.  I do wish I had that one last chance to see his face.  Give him a big kiss, a hug, call me hun bun, watch him dance to benny and the jets, and most importantly just to see that smile and those bright blue eyes.

On a brighter note, one of my best friends Alyssa.. her husband is coming home todayish.  I'm so excited for her.  She needs a break.  I also am SUPER SUPER excited because there coming to visit me!  I guess when your husband isn't coming home anymore the next best thing is to be excited for someone else.   Of course I'm jealous because I haven't had that opportunity and never will, but I'm happy for them at the same time.

Well my house is still a mess and I'm the only one who can clean it.  My daughter still needs a bath and all that other good stuff.

Until next time,