Monday, December 20, 2010

peace out clarksville.

Yesterday I left clarksville for good.  I was extremely sad by it. Through the 4 years I've been there I've made some amazing friends.  I definatly be back to visit clarksville and those friends at least until they've made there way out of there.  Those friends have probably made it deeper into my heart then most of my friends in wisconsin.  It was also sad to leave a TON of memories behind there.

Some of my friends are going to realize I'm a different person now moreso than I was before.  Its just me and Melodie now. She comes first in my life.  I'm all she has now.  Some people need to learn to put there kids as priorities regardless of any situation. 

It was a long drive and I hate it with a passion.  I left clarksville at 2:30AM and when I got to Wisconsin my first stop was the cemetary.  That was the most important reason about moving home. I get to visit him all the time now.  I had a lot to share with Scott yesterday.

Now just waiting to get my household goods so I can begin to become settled... 

now we wait.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

stages of grief.

After the dreaded news everything there after happens and still is happening so rapidly. More paperwork, more appointments, take care of your personal finances do this do that.  While doing all that I BARELY have time to think for myself.  Which then leaves me sit in stage 1 of grief and theirs 6 other stages.

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

 I planned the funeral.  So many decisions, where is everything going to be, flowers, prayer cards, thank you cards, making sure I can be buried with him, and making sure everything is how he would have wanted it. The day before the funeral us immediate family members got to view him.  I'm glad they let us do that the day before or I probably wouldn't have made it through the funeral. I wish he would have just opened his eyes., yet I still believe hes off fighting a war and will be home soon.  I'm only 25 years old. I'm too young to have to bury my husband.  Sometimes I'll sit and think of stuff I could have done better as a wife and realize its too late to say I'm sorry.  Which is the 2nd stage.  So I must be on the fence.

Regardless of those grief stages, I hide a lot of my thoughts and feelings in the back of my mind as I always did.  It's even easier to hide them away when you have a child, who constantly makes you smile all day long. Through all those smiles I feel a lot of pain, heartache, sadness, and just straight up misery.  Every time I look at my daughter I see my husband.  Makes me really glad we had her earlier than we had planned.

When I'm alone at night I ask God why he wants to throw me hard ball after hard ball my entire life.  Unfortunately he never answers back, but I hope hes done with that for awhile. I don't know how much more I can take.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

November 14, 2010.

Its been one month since that dreaded knock on my door.  That day I was sitting on my couch playing black ops. It was 11pm.  I heard knocking on my door. I ignored it thinking it was just my annoying neighbor asking to borrow something again.   They knocked harder.  I stood up off the couch and went and opened the door.

I spent about 5 seconds, but in my mind felt like hours studying their uniforms because us as army wives were told so many times how people come to your door and fake something like that.  Then it hit me.  They were at my door for one thing and one thing only.  I screamed. I panicked.  I cried. 

I kept saying over and over this was just a dream.  And over and over the officers told me "No, Mrs Nagorski this isn't  a dream. This is real Mrs. Nagorski."

Right away there was paper work to be filled out. Then they wouldn't leave until someone came to sit with me.  First Michelle came over. She got her boys out of bed and came right over.  Soon thereafter, Courtney and her kids came with Lisa and her daughter.

That night I was thinking nothing but hoping they made some kind of mistake.  It was his birthday the day before.  His daughter was going to be one in a few days.  We had so many plans for when he came home on leave. We had plans for after the deployment.  This couldn't be.

That day, November 14, 2010 is a day I'll remember all too clear.