MOTHER. WIDOW. When those words are put together they can be two very strong words.
This is my journey through losing my special someone. My journey through coping, figuring myself out, and raising my daughter to know her father was a hero.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
me, myself and......the two men upstairs.
Today I was thinking about how Scott really truly made me into the person I am today. After almost 8 years together and half of it during his army career made me realize this. He made me stronger, more independent and more resourceful. Yes I already had those things in me, but dealing with deployments, late nights out in the field, and extra long work days that's who I HAD to become. He truly taught me what it meant to "DO WORK".
With no family around the area those 4 years, I had no choice but to be that person. That makes me thankful today because with out all that experience of being independent and taking care of my child on my own, then i don't know how I would do it today. It all can still be very overwhelming at times. Sometimes at night I just cry from being stressed out and ask all of the questions like WHY do I have to be the one to sit here and clean up dinner and dishes, clean up after my messy child, give my child a bath, get her ready for bed..ALL BY MYSELF. WHY ME GOD. Haven't I gone through enough in my lifetime?
Before Scott left for Afghanistan we have discussed the 'WHAT IFs'. We were sitting down at steak and shake eating. After discussing which one of us was going to steal the shake glass or the hot sauce, he wanted to have a serious conversation. I kept saying why do we have to talk about this, I don't want to think about that situation. Now I'm glad we did. I just need to continue to remind myself of this conversation and know the marriage was about him and I. I shouldn't care what people think about what I do with my life now. It's my LIFE. I'm the one LIVING it. I have Scott's voice in the back of my head reassuring me and the things I'm doing with MY life. For Scott mostly being a not so serious guy all the time, I'm sure glad he wanted to be serious at that one moment in time. Sure makes life a lot easier for me right now...
"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping"