Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm leaving on a jet plane

So tomorrow would be the day I'm supposed to be taking that bus to the airfield and watching the plane land.  Watching the one I love march into the hangar and give him that long awaited hug and kiss.  Tomorrow would be the day my soldier is supposed to come home. 

 I cant believe it would of been a year already.  Time sure does fly when you have nothing to look forward to.  Ive felt empty for a year now.  Ever since I watched him march away I've been empty. Even emptier now, but thats one thing people dont understand.  The minute he walks away the entire marriage changes. 

I really was ready to go to the homecoming tomorrow.  Then I actually sat down and thought about it.  Why should I set myself up for even more dissapointment. I'll see those guys eventually anyway.

I have a lot of unanswered questions and thoughts about a lot of things.  I'm trying to move on with my life but at the same time one of my tires is stuck in the mud.

Everything in life is so much work and effort.  At this point I can give a huge list of everything I'm sick and tired of.

Until next time,


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Woken bad dream

They mixed up social security numbers. Someone else had his same name with the different social.  He came home. He gave me a big kiss and hugged our daughter.  I was still asking myself who the man I burried was, It looked just like him.  I saw him laying there in the casket again.  I was so confused with numerous thoughts running through my head.

Then I woke up.

These are the types of dreams I have OVER and OVER and OVER again.  Even as bad as being the medic in battle and WATCHING him die.  I couldnt save him.

Why do I keep having these dreams.  When will they stop.  It's eating me up inside. I want to go to sleep so I see him, but I dont want to sleep to watch him die.

I feel crazy.  I feel ALONE..

NN - Numb Nagorski