Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm leaving on a jet plane

So tomorrow would be the day I'm supposed to be taking that bus to the airfield and watching the plane land.  Watching the one I love march into the hangar and give him that long awaited hug and kiss.  Tomorrow would be the day my soldier is supposed to come home. 

 I cant believe it would of been a year already.  Time sure does fly when you have nothing to look forward to.  Ive felt empty for a year now.  Ever since I watched him march away I've been empty. Even emptier now, but thats one thing people dont understand.  The minute he walks away the entire marriage changes. 

I really was ready to go to the homecoming tomorrow.  Then I actually sat down and thought about it.  Why should I set myself up for even more dissapointment. I'll see those guys eventually anyway.

I have a lot of unanswered questions and thoughts about a lot of things.  I'm trying to move on with my life but at the same time one of my tires is stuck in the mud.

Everything in life is so much work and effort.  At this point I can give a huge list of everything I'm sick and tired of.

Until next time,


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Woken bad dream

They mixed up social security numbers. Someone else had his same name with the different social.  He came home. He gave me a big kiss and hugged our daughter.  I was still asking myself who the man I burried was, It looked just like him.  I saw him laying there in the casket again.  I was so confused with numerous thoughts running through my head.

Then I woke up.

These are the types of dreams I have OVER and OVER and OVER again.  Even as bad as being the medic in battle and WATCHING him die.  I couldnt save him.

Why do I keep having these dreams.  When will they stop.  It's eating me up inside. I want to go to sleep so I see him, but I dont want to sleep to watch him die.

I feel crazy.  I feel ALONE..

NN - Numb Nagorski

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Goodbye Soldier, Husband, and a father.

This poem sums up a lot.  I changed a few things in it but it really hits home.



Good-bye: Soldier Poem

It wasn’t that long ago,
When I saw you every day.
Whenever I looked at you,
Inspiration came my way.

It was the worst day of my life,
When you told me you had to go.
Tears rolled softly down my cheeks,
My heart beat was ever so slow.

You were gone for weeks, months, and years,
Those memories will never fade away.
The times you called or wrote to me,
I looked forward to everyday.

That day that was once nice and sunny,
Turned out to be the worst day of my life,
The weather quickly became stormy,
It was like the whole world was in strife.

When the soldiers gave me the news,
Told me you were gone.
A part of me slowly died,
As I cried from dusk ‘till dawn.

We had given each other our love,
From the bottom of our hearts.
We were blessed with the gift of one another,
But now death did us part.

We had a baby girl,
One you’ll never get to know.
You’ll never see her smile or laugh again,
Never watch her grow.

This child will never see you,
She’ll never see you smile.
She’ll never experience having a father,
One to walk her down the aisle.

If a genie could grant me one thing in my life,
I’d know, hands down, that it would be this:
Before you, my beloved, had to go to God,
You said bye and gave me a kiss.

You did so much for our country,
For people from coast to coast.
But there`s one more thing I have to tell you,
One thing you need to know most:

My beloved, you`ll never know how much it means to me,
How much it fills me with pride,
To know my love cares so much about me,
That he risked his life…and died.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

me, myself and......the two men upstairs.

 Today I was thinking about how Scott really truly made me into the person I am today.  After almost 8 years together and half of it during his army career made me realize this.  He made me stronger, more independent and more resourceful.    Yes I already had those things in me, but dealing with deployments, late nights out in the field, and extra long work days that's who I HAD to become.  He truly taught me what it meant to "DO WORK".

With no family around the area those 4 years, I had no choice but to be that person.  That makes me thankful today because with out all that experience of being independent and taking care of my child on my own, then i don't know how I would do it today.  It all can still be very overwhelming at times.  Sometimes at night I just cry from being stressed out and ask all of the questions like WHY do I have to be the one to sit here and clean up dinner and dishes, clean up after my messy child, give my child a bath, get her ready for bed..ALL BY MYSELF.  WHY ME GOD. Haven't I gone through enough in my lifetime?  
Before Scott left for Afghanistan we have discussed the 'WHAT IFs'.  We were sitting down at steak and shake eating.  After discussing which one of us was going to steal the shake glass or the hot sauce, he wanted to have a serious conversation.  I kept saying why do we have to talk about this, I don't want to think about that situation.  Now I'm glad we did.  I just need to continue to remind myself of this conversation and know the marriage was about him and I.  I shouldn't care what people think about what I do with my life now. It's my LIFE. I'm the one LIVING it.  I have Scott's voice in the back of my head reassuring me and the things I'm doing with MY life.  For Scott mostly being a not so serious guy all the time, I'm sure glad he wanted to be serious at that one moment in time.  Sure makes life a lot easier for me right now...
"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping"


Thursday, February 10, 2011

one fish, two fish.

There were two big things Scott wanted for Melodie when he came home... a fish tank and her first experience at fourth fest / the 4th of july parade..

Now that Scott is gone, I feel like these two things need to be done.  Its things like this that help me grieve.  I feel like I'm doing something for HIM.

Today I accomplished the fish tank.  I got rid of the 30 gallon fish tank that did nothing except collect junk from everything from coats, shoes, and random receipts.  I ended up getting a 10 gallon fish tank with a nice stand and set it up in Scott's honor.  A ten gallon tank is easier to maintain.  I needed that considering I have to do everything else by myself, need to make the maintenance easy on myself.  Now in a few days Melodie and I will go and pick out some fish.

When July 4th comes closer I will be getting with my cousin to have a 4th Fest in Scotts honor so Melodie has a chance to enjoy 4th fest like Scott would have wanted.

I've been going to the cemetery more than usual.  Sometimes I go just to play him a song.  I cant believe its almost been 3 months since the day that changed my life forever.  I haven't been face to face with him in almost 9 months.  Unfortunately that's what makes grieving easier.  I do wish I had that one last chance to see his face.  Give him a big kiss, a hug, call me hun bun, watch him dance to benny and the jets, and most importantly just to see that smile and those bright blue eyes.

On a brighter note, one of my best friends Alyssa.. her husband is coming home todayish.  I'm so excited for her.  She needs a break.  I also am SUPER SUPER excited because there coming to visit me!  I guess when your husband isn't coming home anymore the next best thing is to be excited for someone else.   Of course I'm jealous because I haven't had that opportunity and never will, but I'm happy for them at the same time.

Well my house is still a mess and I'm the only one who can clean it.  My daughter still needs a bath and all that other good stuff.

Until next time,


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

grateful...or not.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush, 
I am the soft uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.


I love this poem.  For the most part I don't stand at his grave and cry. I stand there and think about all the good memories we had. I talk to him like hes listening. He's still one of my best friends.

Sometimes when I look at people's facebook statuses it disgusts me.  People complain about the smallest things.  Oh your husband is away for a day...OH NO!  Should the world come to an end for you.  The way they WHINE about it sure seems like it.   MY HUSBAND IS NEVER COMING BACK PEOPLE. You don't see me posting that as my status every other day.  
I think people forget to be grateful about what they do have rather than what they don't have for that particular moment in time.

My rant is over.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Tis the season..bah humbug.

So I'm completely settled in my new place. Just some minor things left.  It still feels empty.  Melodie and I are still missing that one piece to our family.  I have my good days and I have my bad.

When I stop and stare at his wonderful face in any picture I have, I cant help but to cry.  Right away a million and one thoughts run through my head..."He's really not coming back", "did he really endure that kind of pain", "did he really have to experience the one thing he was terrified of the most, death." , "did i really just turn into a single mother in the blink of an eye", "why did god chose this path for him"...and the thoughts are continuous.  I wish there was someone out there who could answer all my questions.

Christmas came and went.  Half the time I thought my husband was supposed to be home on leave at this time but instead I was visiting him at the cemetery.   The one thing you love and care about the most can be taken from you in the blink of an eye and your whole world changes.

I'm glad Melodie had a good Christmas.  She has a TON of toys now.  My goodness that little girl is spoiled but she deserves everything in the world.  Melodie is also learning to say new words and repeating a lot.  Lately she's been saying waffle..but it comes out more like "wawa" haha.  Its funny.

This weekend Melodie and I are making our weekly trip to the cemetery.  I cant wait. I have a lot of new things to tell Scott.  For some reason thats the only place I feel like I can talk to him.  Just because I know hes physically there in that spot.  

Next week Melodie and I are driving down to TN again to go to the ceremony provided on base.  Im both happy and sad about it.  I'm happy to see my amazing friends again, but sad at the circumstances just like everything else.  But thats why I have those amazing friends, to lift me up during the rough times.

I sure did marry one AMAZINGG man inside and out.  I just wish he didn't have to leave me so soon.

until next time,