Thursday, December 16, 2010

stages of grief.

After the dreaded news everything there after happens and still is happening so rapidly. More paperwork, more appointments, take care of your personal finances do this do that.  While doing all that I BARELY have time to think for myself.  Which then leaves me sit in stage 1 of grief and theirs 6 other stages.

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

 I planned the funeral.  So many decisions, where is everything going to be, flowers, prayer cards, thank you cards, making sure I can be buried with him, and making sure everything is how he would have wanted it. The day before the funeral us immediate family members got to view him.  I'm glad they let us do that the day before or I probably wouldn't have made it through the funeral. I wish he would have just opened his eyes., yet I still believe hes off fighting a war and will be home soon.  I'm only 25 years old. I'm too young to have to bury my husband.  Sometimes I'll sit and think of stuff I could have done better as a wife and realize its too late to say I'm sorry.  Which is the 2nd stage.  So I must be on the fence.

Regardless of those grief stages, I hide a lot of my thoughts and feelings in the back of my mind as I always did.  It's even easier to hide them away when you have a child, who constantly makes you smile all day long. Through all those smiles I feel a lot of pain, heartache, sadness, and just straight up misery.  Every time I look at my daughter I see my husband.  Makes me really glad we had her earlier than we had planned.

When I'm alone at night I ask God why he wants to throw me hard ball after hard ball my entire life.  Unfortunately he never answers back, but I hope hes done with that for awhile. I don't know how much more I can take.

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